Dear Dr. Oetker,

We have been good friends for the past six years or so. You have been my companion all along. I remember those dark nights during my university life in England when cooking was not one of my core skills (yet). I remember these days when I started working in Spain and the only energy I had left was spent with my friends sharing a well deserved pitcher of beer. On all these occasions and many more, you fed me, saved me some precious time and satisfied my appetite. I cannot say I was always faithful to you. I embraced many other fiancées but always ended up hurt or disappointed. Let’s be honest for a second. You never had quite the same taste as a fresh homemade pizza from a dark and shady Neapolitan restaurant but you always did better than your other frozen counterparts. I liked you. I kind of relied on you up until today actually.

Unfortunately, a few days ago you disappointed me for the first time. Once again, I came back home after a long and exhausting day at work, I enjoyed a jog along the Austrian mountains and thought I would treat myself with a movie and a premium frozen pizza bought on the way back. I started the same ritual as always. Pre warmed the oven for 10 minutes. Unpacked you from the carton box in which you were sleeping. Placed you on a comfortable tray. You were looking good. Cooked you in the oven for 20 good minutes until you edges were crusty and the cheese on your body fully melted. The pepperonis and the salamis you used as a topping looked first-class, as always. I then sliced you in 8 equally sized pieces and started eating you one piece after the other. Just like I had done over the past 6 years…

Until then, my evening was going rather smoothly. Your taste was not deceiving, the movie playing on TV was decent and no trouble could be foreseen. Unfortunately the world around me collapsed half an hour later. My stomach started making unusual sounds. What started to be a mere discomfort turned into a real pain. The rest of the night became darker even. The discomfort in my stomach forced me to continuously turn around in my bed, obviously preventing me from getting any sleep and recover the energy I needed to perform at work the day after. The pain in my stomach then grew stronger and could only be resolved in the bathroom I had to visit many more times throughout the night.

At last, many hours later, the pain stopped. Some sleep, some water and and a lot of attention from my loved ones seemed to have put me back on the path of recovery. I am today in a much better shape, thank you for asking. Nevertheless, I am saddened to inform you that our friendship shall not survive this incident. Dr Oetker, I thought better of you. I had hopes for our friendship to last for the years to come but you let me down. You let me down big time.

May our friendship rest in peace.

Sincerely yours -

Nicolas